Grown-ups love Halloween because it's the day we get to dress up like someone or something entirely different from our true selves. Nope. It's actually the other way around. The truth is, people dress more like their true selves on Halloween than any other day.
Did I just explode your mind?
You see, what a guy choses to wear on Halloween can give us insight into what's on his mind, what he wants to be and what he wants from others. (Yes this article focuses on men. I ain't trying to unpack women's minds or fashion)
There are (at least) 5 kinds of jerks that can be identified by their Halloween costume.
Do you have a second date with someone on Halloween? Or are you going to a party in the hopes of meeting somebody? Nice job! You will have the advantage of seeing what's really inside your date better than if you could administer a polygraph in that TSA security machine that sees people naked.
I now present your 5 jerks:
1. The "I don't really dress up for Halloween" Jerk
The "I don't really dress up for Halloween" Jerk has committed to going out for Halloween but has purposely put off procuring a costume. The night of the party, he rifles through his dirty clothes hamper and quickly puts something together that "works."
Don't believe this guy when he says he "just isn't into celebrating Halloween." If that's true he should have stayed home. The truth is this bore has no confidence or imagination.
- The "Sports fan" Costume
- The Half-ass (Afro wig and aviators only)
- The 0-Budget Half-ass (Something "clever" written in Sharpie on a T-shirt)
- The Clark Kent (This guy just doesn't want to change out of his suit after work.)
2. Too-Cool-for-School Jerk
Not to be confused with I don't really dress up for Halloween Jerk, The Too Cool for School Jerk puts effort into his costume. Well, more thought than effort. But the Too-Cool-for-School Jerk is driven entirely by the need to be desirable to the opposite sex. He is super-cool and available every day so he is going to be ultra-cool on Halloween.
The executive version of this guy got the idea for his costume from his favorite men's style blog complete with links to where he can purchase the (un)necessary, expensive, costume items on-line.
This guy is over-compensating for his fragile ego and should be avoided.
- The Bob Dylan
- The Paul Newman
- Motorcycle Racer
- King of Vampires
- The Crow
3. Hall of Horrors Jerk
This Halloween jerk is tough to nail down. On spotting obscenity, a Supreme Court judge once said, "I know it when I see it." It's the same way with Hall of Horrors Jerk. Lets face it, at it's core Halloween is about being spooky. Horror-themed costumes can be great. But there are dudes out there who are WAY too into scaring people (particularly women). If he's wearing a rubber demon-monster mask with a hooded cloak, beware. If he stays in character all night, aggressively goth dancing or just silently staring at people, No. Fuck that guy. Hall of Horrors Jerk hasn't gotten over being picked on for playing Magic: The Gathering in the High School cafeteria. This guy had his dream job as a scarer at the local haunted house but was fired for "making inappropriate comments and touching patrons in an un-welcomed way."
- The Fangoria-level monster mask
- The Plastic Invisible Man mask
- Anyone carrying a chainsaw
- Scary Clown
- ...You'll know it when you see it.
4. The Ultra-Clever Costume Jerk
You could do worse than Ultra-Clever Costume Jerk. At least, it's very unlikely that he will take you home, drill a hole in your head and pour the hole full of Mountain Dew in an attempt to turn you into his sex slave.
Then again, dressing up as Bitcoin is a billboard advertisement making sure everyone understands this guy has superior intelligence. What are the chances this guy is going to let you get a word in edge-wise in the conversation? Ultra-Clever Costume Jerk will never ask about your hobbies or job because he will be too busy telling you about the genius idea for a start-up he is going to launch as soon as he finds some angel investors. Or maybe that solar system costume, complete with working, orbiting moons is just a ruse to hide his gross body.
Specific costumes are tough to warn you about because these guys are "one of a kind." You will know Ultra-Clever Costume Jerk by his overly elaborate, clunky costume which usually boils down to some kind of word-play or punchline you have to ask for. "I'm One Night Stand!", "I'm a Cereal Killer!" ugh.
Watch out for:
- Anyone with signage explaining their costume
- Anyone who's costume requires help getting through doors
5. Whatever is in the News Jerk
This guy is a bit like Ultra-Clever Costume Guy in that he thinks he has come up with something that will get a laugh. The problem is he doesn't have the brain-power to pull off anything truly clever and he is definitely not one-of-a-kind. Last year there were 500,001 Robin Thicke costumes. This year there will be none. Because these jerks have moved on to dressing as Ray Rice or Ebola Hazmat workers. Whatever is in the News Jerk should be avoided because he has a short attention span and is not smart.
Keep your distance from:
- Ice Bucket Challenge
- Anything Ebola
- A Bent iPhone 6
Bonus: Made-in-China, Store-Bought Costume Jerk
Do I have to explain why these are lame? Bonus-Bonus lame points for store-bought sexual innuendo costumes. You're a key. Your girlfriend is a lock...awesome.
-Written & Illustrated by Ben Walker-Storey